Pulp Potter
by Kevin Hirn
Summary: It's the story of Harry Potter and his friends and enemied turned to crime through the eyes of Quentin Tarantino. It's a funny, Harry Potter story but taking some diologue and plot from Pulp Fiction, but a different story in it's own right. Chapter 2 up.
1. Ron and Hermione

Disclaimer: I own neither this script's diologue, Harry Potter or Pulp Fiction. As if you would think I did.

INT. LEAKY CAULDRON - MORNING

_In the Leaky Cauldron in London. It's about 9:00 in the morning. While the place isn't jammed,_

_there's a healthy number of people drinking coffee, munching on kipper and eating eggs.Two of these people are _

_RON __and HERMIONE. RON has a slight working-class English accent and, like his fellow countryman, drinks _

_firewhiskey __like it's going out of style. It is impossible to tell where Hermione is from or how old she is; everything _

_she does __contradicts something she did. The boy and girl sit in a booth. Their dialogue is to be said in a rapid-_

_pace__"HIS GIRL __FRIDAY" fashion._

RON

No, forget it, it's too risky. I'm through doin' that shit.

HERMIONE

You always say that, the same thing every time: never again, I'm through, too dangerous.

RON

I know that's what I always say. I'm always right too, but --

HERMIONE

-- but you forget about it in a day or two --

RON

-- yeah, well, the days of me forgittin' are over, and the days of me rememberin' have just begun.

HERMIONE

When you go on like this, you know what you sound like?

RON

I sound like a sensible fucking man, is what I sound like.

HERMIONE

You sound like a duck (imitates a duck) Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack...

RON

Well take heart, 'cause you're never gonna hafta hear it again. Because since I'm never gonna do it again, you're never

gonna hafta hear me quack about how I'm never gonna do it again.

HERMIONE

After tonight. The boy and girl laugh, their laughter putting a pause in there, back and forth.

RON

(with a smile) Correct. I got all tonight to quack.

_A WAITRESS comes by with a pot of butterbeer_.

WAITRESS

Can I get anybody anymore butterbeer?

HERMIONE

Oh yes, thank you.

_The Waitress pours Hermione's coffee. Ron lights up another firewhiskey_.

RON

I'm doin' fine.

_The Waitress leaves. Ron takes a drag off of his drink. Hermione pours a ton of cream and sugar into_

_her butterbeer._

_Ron goes right back into it._

RON

I mean the way it is now, you're takin' the same fuckin' risk as when you rob Gringotts. You take more of a risk. Banks

are easier! Goblin banks aren't supposed to stop you anyway, during a robbery. They're insured, why should they

care?This one guy, hehands the floo to the teller, the guy on the other end of the floo said: "We got this guy's

little girl, and if you don't give him all your galleons, we're gonna kill 'er."

HERMIONE

Did it work?

RON

Fuckin' A it worked, that's what I'm talkin' about! Knucklehead walks in a bank with floo powder, not a wand, not a

cauldron, but a fuckin' floo, cleans the place out, and they don't lift a fuckin' finger.

HERMIONE

Did they hurt the little girl?

RON

I don't know. There probably never was a little girl -- the point of the story isn't the little girl. The point of the story is

they robbed the bank with a floo.

HERMIONE

You wanna rob Gringotts?

RON

I'm not sayin' I wanna rob Gringotts, I'm just illustrating that if we did, it would be easier than what we been doin'.

HERMIONE

So you don't want to be a bank robber?

RON

Naw, all those guys are goin' down the same road, either dead or servin' twenty in Azkaban

HERMIONE

And no more butterbeer stores?

RON

What have we been talking about? Yeah, no-more-butterbeer-stores. Besides, it ain't the giggle it usta be. Too many

foreigners own liquor stores. Goblins, Hags, they can't fuckin' speak English. You tell 'em: "Empty out

the register," and they don't know what it fuckin' means. They make it too personal. We keep on, one of those beast

motherfuckers' gonna make us kill 'em.

HERMIONE

I'm not gonna kill anybody.

RON

I don't wanna kill anybody either. But they'll probably put us in a situation where it's us of them. And if it's not the

beasts, it these old centaurs who've owned the store for fifteen fuckin' generations. Ya got Grandpa Bane sittin' behind

the counter with a fuckin' arrow. Try walkin' into one of those stores with nothin' but a floo, see how far it gets you.

Fuck it, forget it, we're out of it.

HERMIONE

Well, what else is there, day jobs?

RON

(laughing) Not in this life.

HERMIONE

Well what then?

RON

Garcon! Butterbeer!

_Then looks to his girl_.

RON

This place.

_The Waitress comes by, pouring him some more._

WAITRESS

(snotty) "Garcon" means boy.

_She splits._

HERMIONE

Here? It's the Leaky Cauldron.

RON

What's wrong with that? People never rob restaurants, why not? Bars, butterbeer stores, gas stations, you get your

head hexed off stickin' up one of them. Restaurants, on the other hand, you catch with their pants down. They're not

expecting to get robbed, or not as expecting.

HERMIONE

(taking to idea) I bet in places like this you could cut down on the hero factor.

RON

Correct. Just like banks, these places are insured. The managers don't give a fuck, they're just tryin' to get ya out the

door before you start pluggin' diners. Waitresses, forget it, they ain't takin' a jinx for the register. Busboys, some

teenager gettin' paid about two knuts an hour gonna really give a fuck you're stealin' from the owner. Customers are

sittin'there with food in their mouths, they don't know what's goin' on. One minute they're havin' a wizard's omelette,

next minute somebody's stickin' a wand in their face.

_Hermione visibly takes in the idea. Ron continues in a low voice._

RON

See, I got the idea last liquor store we stuck up. 'Member all those customers kept comin' in?

HERMIONE

Yeah.

RON

They you got the idea to take everybody's money bag.

HERMIONE

Uh-huh.

RON

That was a good idea.

HERMIONE

Thank you.

RON

We made more from the money bags then we did the owner.

HERMIONE

Yes we did.

RON

A lot of people go to the Leaky Cauldron.

HERMIONE

(catching on)A lot of money bags.

RON

Pretty smart, huh?

_Hermione scans the restaurant with this new __information. She sees all the PATRONS eating, lost in __conversations. _

_The tired WAITRESS, taking orders. The __BUSBOYS going through the motions, collecting dishes. The __MANAGER _

_complaining to the COOK about something. A smile __breaks out on the Hermione face._

HERMIONE

Pretty smart. (into it) I'm ready, let's go, right here, right now.

RON

Remember, same as before, you're crowd control, I handle the employees.

HERMIONE

Got it.

_They both take out their wands and lay them on the table. He looks at her and she back at him._

HERMIONE

I love you, Ron.

RON

I love you, Hermione.

_And with that, Ron and Hermione grab their wands,_

_stand up and rob the Leaky Cauldron. Pumpkin's robbery persona_

_is that of the in-control professional. Honey Bunny's is that_

_of the psychopathic, hair-triggered, loose cannon._

RON

(yelling to all)

Everybody be cool, this is robbery!

HERMIONE

Any of you fuckin' pricks move and I'll execute every one of you motherfuckers! Got that?

CUT TO:

CREDIT SEQUENCE:

PULP POTTER


	2. Snape, Malfoy, and the Order

_Two Nimbus 2001s fly across London and down to_

_a homeless-ridden street in Hogsmeade. In the front seat are_

_two young fellas -- one white, one even whiter -- both wearing cheap_

_black cloaks with thin black tunics under long green robes._

_Their names are SEVERUS SNAPE (white) and LUCIUS MALFOY_

_(really white). They dismount the brooms and take out two short dark wands._

SNAPE

We should have duel wands for this kind of deal.

MALFOY

How many up there?

SNAPE

Three or four.

MALFOY

Counting our guy?

SNAPE

I'm not sure.

MALFOY

So there could be five guys up there?

SNAPE

It's possible.

MALFOY

We should have fuckin' duel wands.

_They EXIT._

_CUT TO:_

_EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING COURTYARD - MORNING 4._

_Snape and Malfoy, their long matching overcoats practically_

_dragging on the ground, walk through the courtyard of what_

_looks like a hacienda-style Wizard's apartment building._

_We TRACK alongside._

SNAPE

How's your son.

MALFOY

Here we go again.

SNAPE

What the fuck Lucius? Think we broke you out of Azkaban so your son, 'Draco', could go all Wormtail on our asses and seek refuge with Dumbly and the Order of the Mudbloods.

MALFOY

Don't blame me for my idiot son. He'll get what's coming. Fucking Potter.

SNAPE

Real stylish nowadays. All the Death Eaters blame all the problems on big little Harry Potter.

MALFOY

You should seriously get some therapy, Snape.

SNAPE

I know.

_5. INT. RECEPTION AREA (APARTMENT BUILDING) - MORNING 5._

_Snape and Malfoy walk through the reception area and wait for_

_the elevator._

_SNAPE_

It ain't time back. Let's lay low.

MALFOY

What time is it?

SNAPE

7:22 in the A.M.

MALFOY

Eight long measly minutes.

SNAPE

Yep.

MALFOY

so, yay the Dark Lord.

SNAPE

Yeah, praise him. Heard about Bellatrix Lestrange?

MALFOY

What? Oh yeah.

SNAPE

Can't pelieve that fatass Squib Longbottom got her. The Mudblood Granger must have done every step of the way for that… that… Squib.

MALFOY

Yeah.

SNAPE

But what the Squib did next disturbs me even more.

MALFOY

What did he do?

SNAPE

He eat her brains, took out her eyes, and had sex with her sockets. Guess Granger didn't wanna do it with a Squib.

MALFOY

You know Granger ran after the blood traitor Weasley.

SNAPE

Which one?

MALFOY

Who cares. They're all the same.

SNAPE

Which one? The one who always shadowed Potter?

MALFOY

Couldn't tell ya.

SNAPE

Why?

MALFOY

Don't feel like it.

SNAPE

Bitch gonna kill more niggers than time.

MALFOY

What was that?

SNAPE

Nothin'. Let's get into character.

MALFOY

What'd you say?

SNAPE

I didn't say shit. Let's go to

work.

MALFOY

Don't play with me, you said somethin', now what was it?

SNAPE

(referring to the job) Do you wanna do this?

MALFOY

I want you to repeat what you said.

SNAPE

That door's gonna open in about thirty seconds, so git yourself together --

MALFOY

-- my self is together --

SNAPE

-- bullshit it is. Stop thinkin' 'bout that , and get yourself together like a qualified pro.

_INT. APARTMENT (ROOM 49) - MORNING 8._

_TWO YOUNG GUYS, ONE REALLY REALLY OLD GUY, obviously in over their_

_heads, sit at a table with hamburgers, french fries and butterbeer_

_laid out. One of them flips the LOUD BOLT on the door, opening it to_

_REVEAL Snape and Malfoy in the hallway_.

JULES

Hey kids.

_The two men stroll inside._

_The two young and one super-old caught-off-guard Guys are:_

_KINGSLEY_

_The black young man, who open the door, will, as the scene_

_progresses, back into the corner._

_LUPIN_

_A fuckin' werewolf, lying down on the fuckin' sofa._

_DUMBLEDORE_

_If you don't know who Dumbledore is…_

_Snape and Malfoy take in the place, with their hands in their_

_pockets. Snape is the one who does the talking._

SNAPE

How you boys doin'?

_No answer._

SNAPE

(to Dumbledore)

Am I trippin', or did I just ask

you a question.

SNAPE

We're doin' okay, Severus.

_As Snape and Dumbledore talk, Malfoy moves behind the young Guys._

SNAPE

Do you know who we are?

_Dumbledore nods his head: "Yes."_

SNAPE

Well look at the prestigious Order of the Phoenix now. Amazing. Guess Mad-Eye and Pink-Hair are on 'guard duty'?

_No answer._

SNAPE

(to Dumbledore)

Now I'm gonna take a wild guess here: you're Dumbledore, right?

DUMBLEDORE

I'm he.

SNAPE

Yeah, well- EXPELLIARMUS!

_Lupin, Dumbledore and Kingsley lose their wands. They fly in to the hand of Lucius, who after a lot of hard work, snaps them all in half._

DUMBLEDORE

Shit.

SNAPE

Good for you. Looks like me and Lucy caught you at breakfast, sorry 'bout that. What'cha eatin'?

DUMBLEDORE

Kippers.

SNAPE

Kippers! The cornerstone of any

nutritious breakfast. What kinda

kippers?

DUMBLEDORE

How many kinds of kipper are there?.

SNAPE

Fair point. I ain't never had one myself, how are they?

DUMBLEDORE

You never had a kipper?

SNAPE

Mind if I try one of yours?

DUMBLEDORE

No.

SNAPE

Yours is this one, right?

DUMBLEDORE

Yeah.

_Snape grabs the fish and take a bite of it._

SNAPE

Uuummmm, that's a tasty kipper. (to Malfoy) Lucy, you ever try a Kipper?

MALFOY

No.

_Snapeholds out the Kipper._

SNAPE

You wanna bite, they're real good.

MALFOY

I ain't hungry.

SNAPE

Well, if you like fish give 'em a try sometime. (he points to a fast food drink cup) What's in this?

DUMBLEDORE

Butterbeer.

SNAPE

Butterbeer, good, mind if I have some of your tasty beverage to wash this down with?

DUMBLEDORE

Sure.

_Snape grabs the cup and takes a sip._

SNAPE

Uuuuummmm, hit's the spot!

(to Lupin)

You, wolfy, you know what we're here for? Lupin nods his head: "Yes."

SNAPE

Then why don't you tell my boy here Lucy, where you got the shit hid.

KINGSLEY

It's under the be --

SNAPE

-- I don't remember askin' you a

goddamn thing.

(to Lupin)

You were sayin'?

LUPIN

It's under the bed.

_MALFOY moves to the bed, reaches underneath it, pulling out a_

_black snap briefcase._

MALFOY

Got it.

_Malfoy flips the two locks, opening the case. We can't see_

_what's inside, but a small glow emits from the case. Malfoy_

_just stares at it, transfixed._

SNAPE

We happy?

_No answer from the transfixed Malfoy._

SNAPE

Malfoy?

_Malfoy looks up at Snape._

SNAPE

We happy?

_Closing the case._

MALFOY

We're happy.

DUMBLEDORE

I just want you to know how sorry

we are about how fucked up things

got between us and Voldemort.

When we entered into this thing, we

only had the best intentions --

SNAPE

Avada Kedavra!

_Snape has just shot the reclining Lupin woth a killing curse straight to the chest._

_Malfoy smiles to himself. Snape has got style._

_Dumbledore has just shit his pants. He's not crying or whimpering,_

_but he's so full of fear, it's as if his body is imploding._

SNAPE

(to Dumbledore)

Oh, I'm sorry. Did that break your

concentration? I didn't mean to do

that. Please, continue. I believe

you were saying something about "best intentions."

_Dumbledore can't say a word._

JULES

Whatsamatter Headmasta? Oh, you were through anyway. Well, let me retort. Would you describe for me what the Dark Lord looks like?

_Dumbledore still can't speak._

_Jules SNAPS, SAVAGELY TIPPING the Gobstones table over, removing __the only barrier between himself and Dumbledore. Dumbledore now sits in a lone chair before Snape like a political prisoner in front __of an interrogator._

SNAPE

What country you from!

DUMBLEDORE

(petrified)

What?

SNAPE

"What" ain't no country I know! Do they speak English in "What?"

DUMBLEDORE

(near heart attack)

What?

SNAPE

English-motherfucker-can-you-speak-it?

DUMBLEDORE

Yes.

SNAPE

Then you understand what I'm sayin'?

DUMBLEDORE

Yes.

SNAPE

Now describe what the Dark Lord looks like!

DUMBLEDORE

(out of fear)

What?

Snape pulls out wand.

SNAPE

Say "What" again! C'mon, say

"What" again! I dare ya, I double

dare ya motherfucker, say "What"

one more goddamn time!

_Dumbledore is regressing on the spot._

SNAPE

Now describe to me what the Dark Lord looks like.

_Dumbledoredoes his best._

DUMBLEDORE

Well he's ...he's...bald --

SNAPE

-- go on!

DUMBLEDORE

...and he's...he's...pale --

SNAPE

-- does he look like a bitch!

DUMBLEDORE

(without thinking)

What?

_Snape's eyes go to Malfoy, Malfoy smirks, Snapes rolls his_

_eyes and…_

SNAPE

Crucio!

_Dumbledore SCREAMS, breaking into a SHAKING/TREMBLING SPASM in the_

_chair._

SNAPE

Does-he-look-like-a-bitch!

DUMBLEDORE

(in agony)

No.

SNAPE

Then why did you try to fuck 'im like a bitch!

DUMBLEDORE

(in spasm)

I didn't.

_Now in a lower voice._

SNAPE

Yes ya did Dumbledore. Ya tried ta fuck

'im. You ever read the Bible,

Dumbledore?

DUMBLEDORE

(in spasm)

Yes.

SNAPE

There's a passage I got memorized, seems appropriate for this situation: Ezekiel 25:17. "The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you."

AVADA KEDAVRA!

---

All is quiet.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

A/N I know this may seem evil but trust me, there is a plot twist coming up later, so just hold tight.


End file.
